TW: Mental Health, Suicide, Loss
Support contact details at the bottom of this post
As part of mental health awareness week I have written this blog, to share what life is like with borderline personality disorder and to explain why we need to be more frank when talking about suicide.
Suicide is the hardest thing to accept as an answer as to why someone has died.
People always try to evade this topic, even though everyone is blaring out to everyone as to how we should all normalize mental health issues and yet the main killer of mental health sufferers is suicide.
Of course, mental health illnesses are the reason why so many sufferers resort to suicide. I suffer from borderline personality disorder and my daily symptom is constantly wanting to hurt and kill myself. It’s just a fact of my life.
It’s quite hard to understand why people struggle to accept this. A lot of people find it hard to believe that even though I don’t want to die, there’s always a voice in my head that constantly reminds me that I, in fact, do.
Although I’ve now learned how to deal with this symptom, it’s a lie to say that it’s easy to ignore. BPD sufferers take at least 40% of those who die via suicide. We are most likely to attempt suicide within the general population of suicide attempts, and those who do die via suicide are 50 times more than those who attempt suicide due to other reasons.
So as hard as it is a pill to swallow, this is why I talk about suicide just like how I would about the weather.
It took a while for my friends to get used to me constantly talking about my wanting to die, but that is just my way of being honest about what is currently on my mind.
They have now come to realize that if I don’t randomly start talking about death and suicide – that is when I’m more likely to hurt myself.
Only recently has my boyfriend come to terms that it is a topic that he has to get used to.
He always used to tell me that he hates hearing me joke about death and suicide, how I just casually mention my past suicide attempts – and then I attempted to kill myself.
It was only when I heard from your friend that you tried to kill yourself I realized that I should have listened to you more.
What it can look like to be triggered with BPD:
For those who don’t know, BPD sufferers are often labeled as “manipulative” and “toxic” because of how we often end up hurting ourselves when we’re triggered.
What people don’t know is that this is a symptom.
I’m considered a “quiet borderline” within the BPD community, basically means that no one knows I’m suffering with BPD and maybe just think I am a very anxious person – until I act out in tantrums due to being triggered.
It’s only until I start reacting in socially inappropriate ways, such as inappropriate bouts of anger.
I’m so used to being labeled as this, but it’d be a lie to say that it doesn’t hurt.
I know I’m not manipulative.
My friends themselves, get mad at me because I don’t express this enough.
Instead I just end up trying to hurt myself or worse – kill myself.
When I tried to kill myself, I immediately regretted it.
I started to scream and lash out on myself, in front of my best friends.
They tried to calm me down and grabbed my hands away from myself.
I pulled hairs out of my head, leaving me with a slight bald spot. I punched myself repeatedly, leaving bruises on myself.
All because my boyfriend wouldn’t listen to me for five minutes when I asked him to.
Mind you, it wasn’t out of nowhere.
It was building up, the tension and annoyance which I usually am able to control and maintain, it pushed me to the edge.
Why? Because unfortunately, as aforementioned, he just wouldn’t listen to me. In the past I have also done this towards my parents, brother, and friends. I hate it. I hate it more than anything. The fact that I don’t know how to prevent myself from going over the edge.
Most people would know me as someone who is very rational and level-headed. They would never expect me to be so emotionally unstable.
It pains me to accept that if I’m not able to control myself, I may kill myself just because I feel betrayed by those who I care about the most.
Although now my boyfriend understands and we’re both trying to get professional help for both of us in order to progress, no amount of apologies could get rid of this seeping guilt within me.
I’m terrified that I will betray myself and I will die because of suicide.
Destigmatization: Talking About Suicide
But this is why I continually talk about death and suicide as if I am talking about the weather.
I want people to know and understand that this is something that could happen. Something that they must be prepared for, in case it does.
I’m not saying that I’m excusing my want to die, because “well” me doesn’t want to die.
It’s just that if “sick” me takes over, I want people to be prepared for the possibility of me attempting suicide.
It’s a very real thing.
My best friend died this year because of suicide.
The only reason I managed to accept their death due to suicide is because we always talked about it.
The shock of their death via suicide wasn’t as hard as the shock of their death overall.
Everyone kept asking why, why did they kill themselves. My only regret was that I didn’t try to reach out even though I had an inkling they might attempt again.
Other than that, I’m okay with them dying via suicide.
It hurts, it hurts like hell.
But am I mad at them for killing themselves? No, absolutely not. Death is death.
Even though they died young via their own hands, it’s still death. So why can’t we normalize it as another method of dying?
Suicide isn’t just real for BPD sufferers, it can be for everyone who reaches a low point in their life.
So please, talk about suicide. Normalize the talk about death.
There is nothing wrong in talking about it.
If we normalize talking about suicide, maybe we can help our friends and family.
Maybe if we talk about suicide more it will allow someone to reach out when they need to.
I love my life now. I have reasons to live for now. I have a lot more coping mechanisms now.
So I hope you all can understand suicide more, from the perspective of someone who constantly thinks about attempting suicide.
Do not feel sorry for me. This is just my life.
If I have accepted this, then why can’t you?
If this blog post has impacted you and you need to talk to someone please get in touch with any of the below charities:
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